Migraine Horror Story?: How has living with Migraine changed you?
Sometimes I think the easier way to answer this question is to explain how Chronic Migraines and Chronic Clusters have not changed my life. This post would be much shorter. However, I think that would be the easy way out and not give a clear picture of how debilitating migraines and other headache can be.
Having dealt with other health issues throughout my life I came to think of myself as invincible. Nothing could stop me as long as I was willing to push ahead. I was very unsympathetic to others with ailments that kept them from work or socializing. I did not understand the difference of being sick and being CHRONICALLY sick. I didn’t know that a body could get so rundown that simply getting out of bed would be impossible on some days.
My journey into the great abyss started in November 2009. But to really understand how devastating things turned, I need to go back a few months. In July 2009, I met three major life goals in my life. I graduated with my Masters Degree, got married and became a stepmom to a 4-year-old girl. I was quickly on my way to personal success. Then in November 2009 my life took a drastic turn. I suffered my first Cluster Headache. The pain was so intense that I got on my phone and called my sister in a panic that I was dying. The pain was so intense that all I wanted to do was die. After that, the dominoes fell…
Within a year I had been through 7 different doctors who all agreed that I had Cluster Headaches and Chronic Migraines. They also all agreed that they did not know how to help me. So I got passed from doctor to doctor like a hot potato; finally landing with a doctor willing to take me on and help me make it through my daily challenges.
The physical changes in my life are easy to describe. Basically my body failed me in every way, shape and form until I could no longer manage daily tasks such as working, driving, socializing and (on some days) even taking care of myself. After the physical changes I began to experience depression, anxiety and fear. I could not explain how I went from a productive member of the world to a big blob on my couch within one year. I could not help others understand why I was afraid to leave my house and leave myself unprepared to deal with an unscheduled migraine or cluster attack. And I could not explain how ashamed of myself I was. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I could not push through this. I ridiculed myself for turning into a lazy, good for nothing person: a person who had given up. While in my head I knew this was not the case, my heart was breaking and it was my fault.
I spent two years living and wishing for what I had. Not accepting the road that I was on; therefore wandering around aimlessly. I became angry, resentful and very unpleasant to be around. I couldn’t stand myself and wondered how anyone else could stand me. Basically, due to Chronic Migraines and Chronic Clusters I became a nothing. I hit my lowest place when I became jealous of a person who had died from another illness. In my mind the only thing I could understand was “at least they aren’t suffering anymore”.
This was when I became desperate for a solution…..
My doctor enrolled my in a program for individuals with Chronic Pain from migraines and headache disorders. This program was not a cure for my pain, but definitely saved my life. In a week, I learned how to accept myself for where I was in every giving moment; not live within the past or wish for what I don’t have. I was given new tools to deal with the pain. I worked with a physical therapist to find ways to make myself stronger. I found my will to fight and my hope to live again.
I completed the program a few years ago. Since then I have been able to take a different look at how my life has changed. While the above mentioned is still true and that life is a battle every day, I am able to see positive things that have come from suffering from Chronic Migraines and Chronic Cluster Headaches. I am much more accepting of my own personal limitations. With that understanding came an awareness to not judge others. So many people in my life or strangers I come into contact with look at me and wonder how I am disabled. I learned that disability is not always a visible thing. And what may be manageable for one can be debilitating for others. I have learned that not everything in life can be controlled; sometimes I have to just wait and see where life will take me. I do much better with not worrying 24/7. Worrying doesn’t make things better; it causes stress that is bad for my body. I have learned to be my own advocate. Through my journey for a doctor and treatment I came into contact with many people who were making decisions for me that were not right. I learned to speak up and let people know what I need. I am no longer a “Yes” patient. Most importantly I learned that those who love me will make it through this journey with me.
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