Thursday, June 5, 2014

Migraine & Headache Awareness Awareness Month 2014 #4- A New Me



Day 4 prompt: Maya Angelou recited her poem "Still I Rise"

I hope you take the time to listen to Maya Angelou recite her poem before or after you read this post....

This poem brings me to tears every time I listen to it.  To me it makes me think of two areas of my life; my battle with The Beast and my battle with perception- mine and others.

For those of you who have read earlier posts of mine, you know that when I speak of The Beast I am talking about my Cluster Headaches. This is my monster that haunts me every day.  This is my pain that is so severe I believe I am dying or wishing I would.  The Beast has made me question my belief in God at times, my will to live and my ability to keep pushing forward.  The Beast has made me feel rage, depressed and alone.  The Beast has changed my reality.  But The Beast has not won.  I am still alive, loved and determined.  I have experienced one of the most painful conditions known to medical science and lived to talk about it.  While The Beast wakes me up every morning and keeps me from sleep every night it has not taken my dreams or hope from me.  The Beast has made me more patient, more compassionate, and stronger than I ever knew was possible.  The Beast has rattled me but it has not won!

One of the hardest things about being a chronic Cluster Head is accepting MY limitations.  It took me a long time to learn what those were and to live despite them.  It also took me a long time to understand that I am the only one who truly knows what those are.  For years I let others tell me what they were.  I let others tell me when I should stop working.  I let others determine my course of treatment.  I let others define what disabled meant to me.  And I let others tell me how I should feel.  It took me a long time to wake up and realize that only I could do these things for me.  Please don't get me wrong, my immediate family has NEVER done any of the above, but I did allow many other people to have too much control for way to long.  Most did it with the best intentions, but not always in my best interest.  I learned the hard way who trusted me to be exactly who I needed to be.  It took me a long time to see power when I looked at myself in the mirror.  Now that I found it, I will never give it away again!!!!


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