Everyday I get up and look in the mirror and wished I was looking at someone or something else. The pain is rough, but I think the hardest part about this is losing who I am. I have no identity now. It becomes difficult to remember who I used to be and what I wanted to do. I have spent so much time in these last few months reliving my life and wishing things would go back to normal. But I ask- what is normal? Something I have started to realize is that normal is what I make. Right now my normal is fighting everyday to get the most out of it and trying not to allow the beast to break me down.
As I grew up I remember being asked countless times what my dreams for the future were. I have also been stuck in that cycle, constantly trying to pin point what my dreams are. All I am doing is creating a pretend place to wander around in. I have to stop living in the past and I need to stop wishing for a future and just take what I have in the here and now. Was it what I expected my life to be- NO!!!! But it is what my life in this moment is. I can't punish myself for it or feel guilty about it.
I have experienced those who judge me. And I ask, how can anyone who really knew me think that this is what I wanted for my life. To those who want to continue to judge me, I say goodbye. I am not going to try to convince people that I am doing everything possible to get better or improve my quality of living- those who care and take the time know that I am.
I am trying to make peace with myself and just trying to breathe.....
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Eating the whale in one gulp!!!!
My favorite Shel Silverstein poem was Melinda Mae. It was about a little girl who sat down to eat a whale and it took her until she was an old woman to finish it because she ate it one tiny bite at a time. I have always referenced this poem while working with my students. I feel that anything can be conquered if you handle it "one bite at a time". For my current situation I am being a bit more literal!!! Since I have become so many things in my life have changed, I take life minute by minute. The one thing that has knocked me out of my rocker is my weight gain. Don't get me wrong- I have NEVER been an athlete and I have gone up and down with my weight all my life. This is ridiculous though! Every medicine they try has the Wonderful side effect of weight gain or increased appetite. Combine that with months of not being able to do physical activity and you equal craziness!!!! I should also mention that I tend to be an emotional eater, that is in full gear right now. So basically I have eaten the whale in one big gulp and have moved on to a second helping. Is there an end in sight, because right now I am just just to breathe....
Monday, April 18, 2011
Upside Down
I have spent my life dealing with different health issues; kidney stones, TMJ surgery, fibromyalgia, migraines, etc…. As far back as I can remember I have been sick. However, what I learned throughout the years was to never give up. No matter what I faced I knew that if I could just push forward I would be fine.
In July 2009 I was at a high point in my life. I graduated with my Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling and got married, creating a family with my new husband and stepdaughter. My bliss was interrupted in November 2009 when I experienced a headache that stopped me in my tracks. The pain was so intense that my initial reaction was to put my hand through a window; instead I called my sister to talk me through the situation. In January 2010 I was diagnosed with Cluster Headaches. While it was a relief to know what was going on, it has been nothing but a tough road since.
I spent my days taking many pills, which would be changed on a weekly basis by my neurologist at the time. I would pull myself out of bed to make it to work, only to spend the day suffering. Finally in November 2010, my supervisor suggested that I take a leave from work (Family Medical Leave Act) and apply for short-term disability. That leads me to present day… I have been out of work since November 2010 and do not see being able to return any time soon.
The pain that I have experienced on a daily basis since November 2009 has been so intense that I have taken to banging my head against a wall at times to feel some other pain. For the first time in my life I am unable to just push forward. Everything in my life has stopped. I am not working, I can’t drive, I am rarely able to leave my house, I do not get to spend time with my parents, I do not have the relationship I want with my stepchild, my husband has become my caretaker and I have no to social life. I spend my days either in pain or in fear for the next headache
I have seen 5 neurologists since November 2009; four of whom diagnosed me with Cluster Headaches (the initial Neurologist would not listen when I told him my headaches had changed). The doctors that I met with say that I need a headache specialist, but that is easier said than done. The earliest appointment I was able to get is for Oct 2011. So until then, I just keep breathing.....
In July 2009 I was at a high point in my life. I graduated with my Masters Degree in Mental Health Counseling and got married, creating a family with my new husband and stepdaughter. My bliss was interrupted in November 2009 when I experienced a headache that stopped me in my tracks. The pain was so intense that my initial reaction was to put my hand through a window; instead I called my sister to talk me through the situation. In January 2010 I was diagnosed with Cluster Headaches. While it was a relief to know what was going on, it has been nothing but a tough road since.
I spent my days taking many pills, which would be changed on a weekly basis by my neurologist at the time. I would pull myself out of bed to make it to work, only to spend the day suffering. Finally in November 2010, my supervisor suggested that I take a leave from work (Family Medical Leave Act) and apply for short-term disability. That leads me to present day… I have been out of work since November 2010 and do not see being able to return any time soon.
The pain that I have experienced on a daily basis since November 2009 has been so intense that I have taken to banging my head against a wall at times to feel some other pain. For the first time in my life I am unable to just push forward. Everything in my life has stopped. I am not working, I can’t drive, I am rarely able to leave my house, I do not get to spend time with my parents, I do not have the relationship I want with my stepchild, my husband has become my caretaker and I have no to social life. I spend my days either in pain or in fear for the next headache
I have seen 5 neurologists since November 2009; four of whom diagnosed me with Cluster Headaches (the initial Neurologist would not listen when I told him my headaches had changed). The doctors that I met with say that I need a headache specialist, but that is easier said than done. The earliest appointment I was able to get is for Oct 2011. So until then, I just keep breathing.....
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