Thursday, May 19, 2011

Ain't Goin Back- Living For Today

Everyday I get up and look in the mirror and wished I was looking at someone or something else.  The pain is rough, but I think the hardest part about this is losing who I am.  I have no identity now.  It becomes difficult to remember who I used to be and what I wanted to do.  I have spent so much time in these last few months reliving my life and wishing things would go back to normal.  But I ask- what is normal?  Something I have started to realize is that normal is what I make.  Right now my normal is fighting everyday to get the most out of it and trying not to allow the beast to break me down. 
As I grew up I remember being asked countless times what my dreams for the future were.  I have also been stuck in that cycle, constantly trying to pin point what my dreams are.  All I am doing is creating a pretend place to wander around in.  I have to stop living in the past and I need to stop wishing for a future and just take what I have in the here and now.  Was it what I expected my life to be- NO!!!!  But it is what my life in this moment is.  I can't punish myself for it or feel guilty about it. 
I have experienced those who judge me.  And I ask, how can anyone who really knew me think that this is what I wanted for my life.  To those who want to continue to judge me, I say goodbye.  I am not going to try to convince people that I am doing everything possible to get better or improve my quality of living- those who care and take the time know that I am. 
I am trying to make peace with myself and just trying to breathe.....

Monday, May 2, 2011

Eating the whale in one gulp!!!!

My favorite Shel Silverstein poem was Melinda Mae. It was about a little girl who sat down to eat a whale and it took her until she was an old woman to finish it because she ate it one tiny bite at a time. I have always referenced this poem while working with my students. I feel that anything can be conquered if you handle it "one bite at a time". For my current situation I am being a bit more literal!!! Since I have become so many things in my life have changed, I take life minute by minute. The one thing that has knocked me out of my rocker is my weight gain. Don't get me wrong- I have NEVER been an athlete and I have gone up and down with my weight all my life. This is ridiculous though! Every medicine they try has the Wonderful side effect of weight gain or increased appetite. Combine that with months of not being able to do physical activity and you equal craziness!!!! I should also mention that I tend to be an emotional eater, that is in full gear right now. So basically I have eaten the whale in one big gulp and have moved on to a second helping. Is there an end in sight, because right now I am just just to breathe....