Wednesday, July 13, 2011

What's Next?!

Tomorrow I have yet another doctor appointment- yay! I am not getting my hopes up like I have for many of the others. Don't get me wrong, I still have faith that this will end at some point, I just can't keep building myself up on false hopes. When something concrete occurs then I will be hopeful!!!
I can't tell you how tired I am sitting in this house without something productive to do. I am looking at different options but I am afraid. I don't ever want to let someone down or leave my little family without some help. My mind is screaming for something more, but my body fights it every step of the way. I live with so many fears about my future. Many say not to worry about the unknown, but I don't know how not to. I am just trying to relax and breathe.

Fighting Fear

If someone was standing outside looking into my life they may think I have a pretty cushy existence. Amazing family, supportive friends and no responsibilities on a daily basis. That person would be wrong- my life is anything but cushy!!! I used to be independent, secure with who I was, didn't care what people thought of me!!! At times I could actually be somewhat obnoxious with my input (my husband may still feel this way at times). Now though I see myself very different. I have a hard time identifying my self worth. I struggle with worrying what others think and knowing whether I really have the right to an opinion on things now.
I know some may read this an believe that it is not a good idea for me to put this out there for all to see, but I am slowly trying to recapture who I am. I've worked my butt off to complete my education and it disgusts me when people judge me and believe that I would choose this life! I know somewhere in my being that I am still worth what I was when I was out making a name for myself, but it truly does beat one down when they are constantly being asked what they are doing to get better. Don't get me wrong; my family and true friends know the truth. Through my situation I am learning that many of those I called friends are not.
With that being said; should i have to live in fear of not being worth anything? Should a career define me? While I try to work these ideas out, I will just try to breathe.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Why can't the Beast stay home?!

Since november 2010 I have become a hermit, afraid to stray from home. I spend my day fillin it with nothing really getting accomplished. I do this because I feel that I can beat the Beast best on my home turf!!! If I am at home I have an array of weapons to combat the destruction the Beast can bring. Usually medication does very little; so instead I use oxygen, hot showers, ice, rocking, walking around, screaming and even at times banging my head against a wall. All of these are best done alone; definitely NOT in public. I have become very patient and understanding of the Beast. I guess that is why I don't understand why the Beast can't be a bit more understanding of me!
Tonight I ventured out of the house to join my parents and family friends out to dinner. I did not go out drinking or partying, just a quiet dinner. That is why I do not understand why the Beast felt the need to join me. He snuck out and sat right down at the table with me, ending my good time. I guest I just don't understand why the Beast doesn't give me the same consideration I give the Beast. Luckily I was out with family who are more than understanding and supportive. I don't think I will ever understand why the Beast can't stay home. Until the Beast decides to work with me I will have to continue to plan my outtings carefully and just continue to try to breathe.