Ain't Goin Back- Living For Today

Everyday I get up and look in the mirror and wished I was looking at someone or something else.  The pain is rough, but I think the hardest part about this is losing who I am.  I have no identity now.  It becomes difficult to remember who I used to be and what I wanted to do.  I have spent so much time in these last few months reliving my life and wishing things would go back to normal.  But I ask- what is normal?  Something I have started to realize is that normal is what I make.  Right now my normal is fighting everyday to get the most out of it and trying not to allow the beast to break me down. 
As I grew up I remember being asked countless times what my dreams for the future were.  I have also been stuck in that cycle, constantly trying to pin point what my dreams are.  All I am doing is creating a pretend place to wander around in.  I have to stop living in the past and I need to stop wishing for a future and just take what I have in the here and now.  Was it what I expected my life to be- NO!!!!  But it is what my life in this moment is.  I can't punish myself for it or feel guilty about it. 
I have experienced those who judge me.  And I ask, how can anyone who really knew me think that this is what I wanted for my life.  To those who want to continue to judge me, I say goodbye.  I am not going to try to convince people that I am doing everything possible to get better or improve my quality of living- those who care and take the time know that I am. 
I am trying to make peace with myself and just trying to breathe.....