What do you do to look good when you feel like crap?
Well one thing I shouldn't have done was gain 51 pounds; that sure didn't help! So what I did was join weight watchers, try excercising when I feel well enough and try to find something else to do instead of emotional eating! This has helped!!!! I am now almost back to my weight before I started having Cluster Headaches in 2009.
The main thing that I do is put on some lipgloss!!!! Yup, I said lipgloss.
It is amazing how a little bit of color can make a HUGE difference. And since I am a very low maintenance kind of girl when it comes to makeup, lipgloss was going to have to do. I actually got the idea from a book that I read years ago; Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy by Geralyn Lucas. Basically it is about trying to hold on to your feeling of confidence when facing a time that you do not feel comfortable with yourself.
So many things changed when my Cluster Headaches began. It wasn't just about feeling like crap. I lost my independence, the ability to take care of myself in many ways, my self worth (I know many confident people who can't imagine feeling like this, but it is a reality). I hit a two year window of feeling depressed (although never diagnosed). It took me time and locating a new tools to deal with my new life before I really felt human again. And the way I try to show the world that I am ready to face what life has for me is to put on my lipgloss and just breathe.
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Migraine & Headache Awareness Month #6- Steel Magnolias: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger"
Cluster Headaches cause pain that I could never have imagined a person could live through; at times I am still amazed that I have. With this pain I have learned that while something can stop me dead in my tracks, it can also make me stronger and a much better person than I could have ever believed. I curse this thing that has been nicknamed 'Suicide Headaches'; while at the same time appreciating the lessons I have learned.
I am a virgo through and through. I have my way of doing things, and it is the right way!
I try to tell that to this Beast we call Cluster Headaches and this Beast shows me how wrong I am everytime.
So with my pain have come some important lessons....
1) Patience is a virtue.
2) It is okay if I can't stand on my own two feet all of the time (figuritively and literally).
3) Prioritize
4) Live life when I can and remember life when I don't feel well enough to live it.
5) I do have value and can help others.
6) Family and Friends are amazing and will understand my limitations.
7) Work is a job; not a life.
8) Laugh
9) Cry
10) You can't always win; but that doesn't make you a loser.
Through these lessons I have come to to accept myself where I am in the moment. Not to hang so tightly on the past and wish for a future I am unsure of. With these lessons I am at the strongest point in this battle and can only continue to get stronger. I don't know what my future holds but I know I can face it with a better outlook than I could have before.
Here I am just breathing!!!!
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
I am a virgo through and through. I have my way of doing things, and it is the right way!
I try to tell that to this Beast we call Cluster Headaches and this Beast shows me how wrong I am everytime.
So with my pain have come some important lessons....
1) Patience is a virtue.
2) It is okay if I can't stand on my own two feet all of the time (figuritively and literally).
3) Prioritize
4) Live life when I can and remember life when I don't feel well enough to live it.
5) I do have value and can help others.
6) Family and Friends are amazing and will understand my limitations.
7) Work is a job; not a life.
8) Laugh
9) Cry
10) You can't always win; but that doesn't make you a loser.
Through these lessons I have come to to accept myself where I am in the moment. Not to hang so tightly on the past and wish for a future I am unsure of. With these lessons I am at the strongest point in this battle and can only continue to get stronger. I don't know what my future holds but I know I can face it with a better outlook than I could have before.
Here I am just breathing!!!!
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Migraine & Headache Awareness Month #5- Carousel
Today's blog is based on the prompt "You'll never walk alone"
The day that I called HR to tell them that I wanted to go on short-term disability was the moment I felt most alone and betrayed in the world. I felt that everything I had worked so hard for was gone and that I had been abandoned by my coworkers who had been some of my closest friends. I quickly learned that I was 100% wrong and that those who had led me in the direction of leaving work really did care about me and wanted me to take care of myself. With their prompt I have been able to start find ways to try to heal.
One of the important ways I have done that is by seeking out as much information regarding migraines and Cluster headaches that I can find. I have sought out doctors who are specialists in the field and who are willing to work together towards a solution. I have also taken to the blogs, facebook groups, twitter and other online groups to find others who are experiencing some of the same things I am going through. When I speak of support groups, many times I get this "poor you" look from others. I have even had people suggest that I should try to help myself instead of trying to find others to commiserate with. At first I am hurt, but then I realize that these people have not experienced all of the good things I have from the groups I have found (not to say that all of my experiences have been rainbows and butterflies). I have found individuals who have suggested alternative treatments to the ones I am using. I have been able to rule out some of the treatments for myself based on others' experiences. I have been able to talk about my fears and successes.
Most of all I have been able to have a conversation with another person, instead of my cat.
I have to say while I wish no one else ever had to go through the pain of Migraines and Cluster Headaches, it is nice to know that I am never alone and that there is always someone there to remind me just to breathe......
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
The day that I called HR to tell them that I wanted to go on short-term disability was the moment I felt most alone and betrayed in the world. I felt that everything I had worked so hard for was gone and that I had been abandoned by my coworkers who had been some of my closest friends. I quickly learned that I was 100% wrong and that those who had led me in the direction of leaving work really did care about me and wanted me to take care of myself. With their prompt I have been able to start find ways to try to heal.
One of the important ways I have done that is by seeking out as much information regarding migraines and Cluster headaches that I can find. I have sought out doctors who are specialists in the field and who are willing to work together towards a solution. I have also taken to the blogs, facebook groups, twitter and other online groups to find others who are experiencing some of the same things I am going through. When I speak of support groups, many times I get this "poor you" look from others. I have even had people suggest that I should try to help myself instead of trying to find others to commiserate with. At first I am hurt, but then I realize that these people have not experienced all of the good things I have from the groups I have found (not to say that all of my experiences have been rainbows and butterflies). I have found individuals who have suggested alternative treatments to the ones I am using. I have been able to rule out some of the treatments for myself based on others' experiences. I have been able to talk about my fears and successes.
Most of all I have been able to have a conversation with another person, instead of my cat.
I have to say while I wish no one else ever had to go through the pain of Migraines and Cluster Headaches, it is nice to know that I am never alone and that there is always someone there to remind me just to breathe......
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Migraine & Headache Awareness Month #4- Finding Nemo
It is hard to describe chronic pain to a person who doesn't experience it. I know this because I used to be the person on the other side of the glass looking in. I could never have imagined that a person who did not look ill could be living through horrible pain on a constant basis. That someones smile may be masking the severe sadness/depression they were feeling by not living life. That a "I'm good" or "Hanging in" could be a way to say that nothing is improving- I still feel like crap!!!!
That is the truth of chronic pain illnesses such as migraines and headaches. In the last 4 years I have met so many people who do such a good job at pretending everything is okay and then in the times that they are alone suffer beyond belief. That is my reality on a daily basis. I am "faking it until I make it". The only thing that keeps me moving forward is HOPE.
Hope that there will be a solution and that my pain will decrease.
Hope that I can return to driving myself.
Hope to going back to work and being successful again.
Hope that I will make everyone proud of me again.
Hope that my parents will still be around to see me live life not just exist.
Hope that my relationship survives.
Hope that my daughter sees me as someone with goals and who she can count on.
Hope that I can begin to go out of the house and not feel anxiety over what I will do if I have an attack.
Hope that I can spend more time with friends.
Hope that we can stop spending so much on medical bills and prescriptions.
The hardest hand that migraines and headaches have dealt me is that I am stuck in a moment while the rest of the world is moving around me. The way I get through that is to have HOPE that one day I will join them again.
Until then I will just keep breathing....
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
That is the truth of chronic pain illnesses such as migraines and headaches. In the last 4 years I have met so many people who do such a good job at pretending everything is okay and then in the times that they are alone suffer beyond belief. That is my reality on a daily basis. I am "faking it until I make it". The only thing that keeps me moving forward is HOPE.
Hope that there will be a solution and that my pain will decrease.
Hope that I can return to driving myself.
Hope to going back to work and being successful again.
Hope that I will make everyone proud of me again.
Hope that my parents will still be around to see me live life not just exist.
Hope that my relationship survives.
Hope that my daughter sees me as someone with goals and who she can count on.
Hope that I can begin to go out of the house and not feel anxiety over what I will do if I have an attack.
Hope that I can spend more time with friends.
Hope that we can stop spending so much on medical bills and prescriptions.
The hardest hand that migraines and headaches have dealt me is that I am stuck in a moment while the rest of the world is moving around me. The way I get through that is to have HOPE that one day I will join them again.
Until then I will just keep breathing....
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Migraine & Headache Awareness Month #3- The Hunger Games
I would like to say that I have always done everything I can to help myself, but that doesn't always tend to be human nature; and regardless of what some family members believe; I am human (not an alien with monkey toes). If my cluster headache and chronic migraines have taught me anything, it is to be proactive. Since I tend to be a(n) controlling organized person, I have become pretty good at keeping track of things. Most of my doctors are horrified when they walk into the examining room and I have my 20 suitcases full of medical records and Headache/Migraine charts taking up all of the room. After he/she makes their way through the forest I have brought with me, we get down to business.
1) When did you start experiencing head pain?
2) Describe your symptoms?
3) How many attacks do you have?
4) How long do they last?
5) What makes the attacks better?
6) What makes the attacks worse?
and so on and so on and so on......
I have the questions memorized, so frequently I confuse the new doctor by just calling out answers to questions he/she have not asked yet. It's breaks up the routine a bit....
With all kidding aside; I have come to live by my- DO THIS; NOT THAT RULES!!!!
1) Do not drink alcohol unless you want to be screaming in pain for three days.
2) Do not do strenuous exercise. ***My physical therapist taught me to increase my incline on treadmill instead of speed so I am getting exercise without triggering an attack.
3) Do not take naps and try to get enough sleep. This is a tricky one. My body is terrified to sleep because that is when the beast (Cluster Attack) comes out to play. But if I don't get enough sleep the beast comes anyway and brings a migraine along for an added bonus. And naps are like setting off fireworks in my living room- really enjoyable but hazardous at the same time!
4) Try to eat right. Which is a joke! Making food is impossible. And the last thing I want to munch on when doubling over in pain is a carrot! Bring on the chips and chocolate baby. I may not be able to form a sentence; but I can sniff out my junk food anytime. However, I can definitely feel the difference in severity of attacks when I follow this rule.
5) Stay calm. Anyone who truly knows me is laughing at this statement. Having less stress and dealing with situations accordingly is best for the Migraine & Headache sufferer.
Now I said that I have come to live by all of these; that doesn't always mean I am successful at living by them all of the time. The best that we can do is our best in the moment. For each Migraine & Headache that we suffer through and come out on the other side to fight another day is a win for us!!!!! The main goal for me is to just keep breathing....
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
1) When did you start experiencing head pain?
2) Describe your symptoms?
3) How many attacks do you have?
4) How long do they last?
5) What makes the attacks better?
6) What makes the attacks worse?
and so on and so on and so on......
I have the questions memorized, so frequently I confuse the new doctor by just calling out answers to questions he/she have not asked yet. It's breaks up the routine a bit....
With all kidding aside; I have come to live by my- DO THIS; NOT THAT RULES!!!!
1) Do not drink alcohol unless you want to be screaming in pain for three days.
2) Do not do strenuous exercise. ***My physical therapist taught me to increase my incline on treadmill instead of speed so I am getting exercise without triggering an attack.
3) Do not take naps and try to get enough sleep. This is a tricky one. My body is terrified to sleep because that is when the beast (Cluster Attack) comes out to play. But if I don't get enough sleep the beast comes anyway and brings a migraine along for an added bonus. And naps are like setting off fireworks in my living room- really enjoyable but hazardous at the same time!
4) Try to eat right. Which is a joke! Making food is impossible. And the last thing I want to munch on when doubling over in pain is a carrot! Bring on the chips and chocolate baby. I may not be able to form a sentence; but I can sniff out my junk food anytime. However, I can definitely feel the difference in severity of attacks when I follow this rule.
5) Stay calm. Anyone who truly knows me is laughing at this statement. Having less stress and dealing with situations accordingly is best for the Migraine & Headache sufferer.
Now I said that I have come to live by all of these; that doesn't always mean I am successful at living by them all of the time. The best that we can do is our best in the moment. For each Migraine & Headache that we suffer through and come out on the other side to fight another day is a win for us!!!!! The main goal for me is to just keep breathing....
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Migraine & Headache Awareness Month #2- X-Men
When I think about my darkest hours I remember back to when I was a child and all of the monsters would come out calling when my house fell quiet. The nightmares that would wake me up back then now make me laugh when I think about them. But in the moment they were very real and I was always looking for someone to rescue me.
When my nightmares started occurring 24 hours a day in the form of debilitating pain, I wanted to return to the 5 year old me that could be soothed by my father's suggestion to think about all of the good things in life. When that didn't work I had to surrender myself to the fact that this nightmare would be bigger than I could manage on my own. So I sent out my signal for help and the same people who supported me as a child returned to rescue me and this time they brought some friends!!!!
My parents- They have schlepped me to hundreds of doctor appointments through out the state to find answers. They have helped me accept that where I am right now is not due to a lack of trying. They help me see the bigger picture and not get stuck in the stress of the moment. They take care of me like I was still the little girl woken in the middle of the night with nightmares.
My siblings- They have listened to my fears even when I call or text in the middle of the night. They make me smile by making fun of me. My sister sends me care packages of energy drinks and candy!!! My brother reminds me that if the doctor would have just VAPORIZED me like he suggested when we were kids, we could have avoided all of this.
My friends- They have continued to call and make plans with me despite the fact that I don't always respond and I cancel on a frequent basis. They also know not to say things like "oh, I get headaches also" or "don't you think you should see a doctor".
My current doctors- They have not given up yet!!!
My In-Laws/sister-in-law and extended family- They accept me for who I am right at this moment. They are so far away but try to help out as much as they can. And they love that I am a University of Michigan fan!
My Stepdaughter- She brings a carefree version of life into our house. She also brings entertainment and laughter.
and last but definitely not least......
My husband- He has become something I would never want anyone to be, my caretaker. He along with my parents drive me everywhere. He works two jobs to provide. He runs himself into the ground doing all of the things that I can no longer do. He deals with my HORRIBLE moods. Most of all he tries his best to understand.
Every single person who I have in my life is a piece of the jigsaw puzzle I am made of. If I lost a piece I would not be able to be as together as I currently am (insert laughter at that statement). I have not named everyone specifically because I am lucky; I am surrounded by so many people the list would be overwhelming. I try hard to make sure that those in my life know how special they are to me; hopefully all of you who are, know it.
Now I will take a moment, feel special, and just breathe.
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
When my nightmares started occurring 24 hours a day in the form of debilitating pain, I wanted to return to the 5 year old me that could be soothed by my father's suggestion to think about all of the good things in life. When that didn't work I had to surrender myself to the fact that this nightmare would be bigger than I could manage on my own. So I sent out my signal for help and the same people who supported me as a child returned to rescue me and this time they brought some friends!!!!
My parents- They have schlepped me to hundreds of doctor appointments through out the state to find answers. They have helped me accept that where I am right now is not due to a lack of trying. They help me see the bigger picture and not get stuck in the stress of the moment. They take care of me like I was still the little girl woken in the middle of the night with nightmares.
My siblings- They have listened to my fears even when I call or text in the middle of the night. They make me smile by making fun of me. My sister sends me care packages of energy drinks and candy!!! My brother reminds me that if the doctor would have just VAPORIZED me like he suggested when we were kids, we could have avoided all of this.
My friends- They have continued to call and make plans with me despite the fact that I don't always respond and I cancel on a frequent basis. They also know not to say things like "oh, I get headaches also" or "don't you think you should see a doctor".
My current doctors- They have not given up yet!!!
My In-Laws/sister-in-law and extended family- They accept me for who I am right at this moment. They are so far away but try to help out as much as they can. And they love that I am a University of Michigan fan!
My Stepdaughter- She brings a carefree version of life into our house. She also brings entertainment and laughter.
and last but definitely not least......
My husband- He has become something I would never want anyone to be, my caretaker. He along with my parents drive me everywhere. He works two jobs to provide. He runs himself into the ground doing all of the things that I can no longer do. He deals with my HORRIBLE moods. Most of all he tries his best to understand.
Every single person who I have in my life is a piece of the jigsaw puzzle I am made of. If I lost a piece I would not be able to be as together as I currently am (insert laughter at that statement). I have not named everyone specifically because I am lucky; I am surrounded by so many people the list would be overwhelming. I try hard to make sure that those in my life know how special they are to me; hopefully all of you who are, know it.
Now I will take a moment, feel special, and just breathe.
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
Migraine & Headache Awareness Month # 1- Phantom of the Opera
In high school I was the girl who always wanted to be the dramatic one. I wanted to be the girl who stood out and was easily approachable. However, I never really got that one right. During choir I did well in the group numbers and floundered in the solos. In debate I never really got the grasp of the argument or understood that a monologue was more than memorizing the words. And dating in my teen years; not so much. I quickly learned to accept my role as the sidekick in life. We can't all be in the spotlight or it wouldn't really be special.
As an adult my ability to blend in worked itself out. I was able to stand on my own two feet and be a star in my own right. And then one day I learned what the disadvantage of being a star meant; falling on my face. I was at the height of my success; great friends, amazing family, new husband, stepdaughter and a promising career. And then one day I was put in the background of my own life.
What was I to do?
I stood up, brushed myself off and put on my mask. A mask that was big enough to hold my disappointment, embarrassment, loneliness and fear from the world. Occasionally my mask would get hit and someone would see a glimpse of the truth. So I made sure that the next time I was around someone I had enough superglue so that sucker wouldn't move. And when that didn't work I put myself in a box and hid from the world. There are only so many "I understand" comments and disappointing looks a girl can take. When your failure is in front of the world there is no delete button.
Failure is why I wear my mask now. I know that those who love me and have taken this ride with me understand that I didn't fail. That life stepped in and played a cruel joke- it stopped. But what people don't understand is that I feel like a failure. Why can't I look past the pain? Why can't I put one foot in front of the other? Why can't I just find my solution/my cure?
I have gotten better at removing my mask more often; but until I can remove completely how can anyone really understand what these diseases we call Migraines and Headaches are really about?
Since I cannot answer that question right now I will simply breathe.
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
As an adult my ability to blend in worked itself out. I was able to stand on my own two feet and be a star in my own right. And then one day I learned what the disadvantage of being a star meant; falling on my face. I was at the height of my success; great friends, amazing family, new husband, stepdaughter and a promising career. And then one day I was put in the background of my own life.
What was I to do?
I stood up, brushed myself off and put on my mask. A mask that was big enough to hold my disappointment, embarrassment, loneliness and fear from the world. Occasionally my mask would get hit and someone would see a glimpse of the truth. So I made sure that the next time I was around someone I had enough superglue so that sucker wouldn't move. And when that didn't work I put myself in a box and hid from the world. There are only so many "I understand" comments and disappointing looks a girl can take. When your failure is in front of the world there is no delete button.
Failure is why I wear my mask now. I know that those who love me and have taken this ride with me understand that I didn't fail. That life stepped in and played a cruel joke- it stopped. But what people don't understand is that I feel like a failure. Why can't I look past the pain? Why can't I put one foot in front of the other? Why can't I just find my solution/my cure?
I have gotten better at removing my mask more often; but until I can remove completely how can anyone really understand what these diseases we call Migraines and Headaches are really about?
Since I cannot answer that question right now I will simply breathe.
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
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