In high school I was the girl who always wanted to be the dramatic one. I wanted to be the girl who stood out and was easily approachable. However, I never really got that one right. During choir I did well in the group numbers and floundered in the solos. In debate I never really got the grasp of the argument or understood that a monologue was more than memorizing the words. And dating in my teen years; not so much. I quickly learned to accept my role as the sidekick in life. We can't all be in the spotlight or it wouldn't really be special.
As an adult my ability to blend in worked itself out. I was able to stand on my own two feet and be a star in my own right. And then one day I learned what the disadvantage of being a star meant; falling on my face. I was at the height of my success; great friends, amazing family, new husband, stepdaughter and a promising career. And then one day I was put in the background of my own life.
What was I to do?
I stood up, brushed myself off and put on my mask. A mask that was big enough to hold my disappointment, embarrassment, loneliness and fear from the world. Occasionally my mask would get hit and someone would see a glimpse of the truth. So I made sure that the next time I was around someone I had enough superglue so that sucker wouldn't move. And when that didn't work I put myself in a box and hid from the world. There are only so many "I understand" comments and disappointing looks a girl can take. When your failure is in front of the world there is no delete button.
Failure is why I wear my mask now. I know that those who love me and have taken this ride with me understand that I didn't fail. That life stepped in and played a cruel joke- it stopped. But what people don't understand is that I feel like a failure. Why can't I look past the pain? Why can't I put one foot in front of the other? Why can't I just find my solution/my cure?
I have gotten better at removing my mask more often; but until I can remove completely how can anyone really understand what these diseases we call Migraines and Headaches are really about?
Since I cannot answer that question right now I will simply breathe.
June 2013, Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, is dedicated to Unmasking the Mystery of Chronic Headache Disorders. The 2013 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge is a project of FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment